Friday, August 10, 2012

The Past Six Months

I know, I know!  Where have I been??

Well, I originally started this blog to document my pregnancy from start to finish, but we're still waiting patiently (sometimes) for that to happen!  I stopped blogging because the stuff that was going on in my life kind of sucked and I wasn't sure I wanted it documented.  Now that I've perked your interest, I'll share a bit.

February 24th- I'm not sure I'll ever forget this date.  It's the day I ended my teaching career.  At least for now I don't see myself going back.  (Tears just welled up in my eyes.)  This past year of teaching was incredibly difficult because of the extreme behaviors of most of the students in my class.  I visited my doctor, Dr. Engstrom (sooooo great!) because I just wasn't feeling healthy.  I had lost about 10 pounds since starting the school year which I couldn't afford to lose.  I wasn't eating much and I felt very tired all the time.  I wasn't happy with my job and dreaded going every day.  I really felt like I lost my passion for teaching and my patience with many of my students was completely gone.  I couldn't be in an environment where I was being completely disrespected day in and day out.  It was toxic.  After crying in the doctor's office, I was diagnosed with depression, and he highly recommended that I didn't return to the classroom for the remainder of the school year.  Talk about a lot to think about.  For the next two days I was a complete wreck!  I cried constantly because I was experiencing such immense guilt for leaving my job before my contract was up.  I just felt like if I left I would be letting sooooo many people down.  I knew deep down it was the right decision (thank You God for being so deeply rooted in me), but the right decision doesn't mean it's easy.  I thank God for my family and best friends who helped me through this terrible ordeal.  I finally made the decision to leave on February 24th and told my principal on the 27th that I wasn't returning.  I thought I would feel a sense of relief knowing I wouldn't have to teach those students anymore, but instead I felt a horrible sense of being lost.  (tears again)  I felt like I had lost my identity, who I was for the past 8 years or so (including college and years teaching).  I knew I wanted to go back to school to become an occupational therapy assistant, but I was still losing a big part of who I was.  I dreamed constantly about my students.  Always sneaking around campus trying to spy on them without them seeing me.  I hated the dreams.  I worried about how the sub was handling them, but was really happy I wasn't.  Then boredom set in.  Sleeping till 11:00, eating junk food, watching tv, playing solitaire.  I couldn't get another job until the school year ended, so what else was there to do.  I hated who I was when I was teaching that year, but I didn't like the new lazy me either.  Not liking yourself sucks!  I kept telling myself that when the school year ended, I would finally feel that sense of relief and surprisingly I did.  There was something theraputic about cleaning out my classroom.  It didn't make me sad because I didn't really miss teaching.  I still don't.  I dearly miss my teaching friends.  The best friends I've ever had.  They were so supportive of me leaving to get "happy" again, and I thank God for them putting up with my crappy attitude sometimes.  No one once said they thought I was being selfish for leaving, and they all hugged me, said they loved me, and to take care of myself first and foremost.  I couldn't have done it without their support.  I'm hoping writing this down will put an end to my feelings about the situation, but I know it probably won't.  Six months is a long time to grieve to over something, but I guess God is still working in me.

Now on to other things....
I mentioned occupational therapy above....well it's amazing!  I volunteered in a few places to make sure this was what I really wanted to do before going back to college.  I am in my 2nd class and only 4 more pre-reqs before I start the actual OT classes.  I'm excited!!!!  At Brown Mackie College, I only take one class per month.  Four weeks, three times a week, for four hours.  Sit in class 12 times and the class is over.  I love it!!!  I'd never want to go back to a traditional semester schedule of taking 4-5 classes for 16 thanks!  Here's me in my "uniform" on the first day of class- July 2.  Being able to go back to school is a definite blessing!

Stay tuned....I promise to update several times a month. :)  Keep me honest and nag me if I'm not blogging!


1 comment:

  1. Now let's see pictures of your trip to Hawaii!!